Friday, August 5, 2011

Reflections on year later

One year ago...August 4-7 I traveled to Kingdom of Kids Orphanage. Six months pregnant with our fourth boy I handed in our completed dossier to adopt our fifth boy...Wisler. Our dossier was a compilation of almost six months of paperwork. That one moment of handing it off was pure joy. I was filled top full of happiness, hopefulness and excitement. One year later, as we approached the anniversary of that moment of joy, my aching heart compels me to reflect on this season of waiting.
I was naive. I though this part would be easy--the waiting-- after all really I told myself after the flurry of paperwork waiting seemed ....well RELAXING. It is not. A piece of my heart breaks a little everyday and on the days when I think it could not possibly break anymore ... another crack, another fissure. I know God has His perfect timing and I BELIEVE with my entire being that His timing is perfect ...this is a time of learning many lessons in faith, trust and (ugh) patience (definitely not my strength as I am learning). Still my arms ache to hold my beautiful Haitian boy, my ears long to hear his laughter. God's timing says PATIENCE dear one...but who knew being patient would hurt so much? Who knew that on summer days here in Maine when the heat index reaches 100 degrees (so few and far between I know but we did have that heat wave a few weeks ago) I would cry hot tears of longing and remembrance...

sitting on cool tiles of our room playing superhero memory my heart bursting with joy at his giggles as he bests me, snuggling on the top bunk as close to the ceiling fan as we can get, my pregnant body aching and sweating in discomfort-- watching him sleep my heart so glad he wants to snuggle, glad he wants me for his mama, reveling in the opportunity to serve him meals, wash him in the shower his giggles echoing on the tiles as I name his body parts in French, holding him in my lap during church, my body dripping with sweat, him sound asleep, me knowing it could only be God giving me the strength to do this--physically, emotionally. His hands holding us both, knitting our hearts....I am reminded of an old hymn from my childhood. It was my favorite..." and He will raise you up on eagle's wings, bear you on the breath of dawn, make you to shine like the sun and hold you in the palm of his hand..." that's where I feel like we the palm of His hand...(if you would like to see all the lyrics click here is it a beautiful song.)

I run these memories over and over in my mind like a movie and they warm my heart and give me hope of days to come when our family is complete.